Halloween...

I feel like I should be writing something about last Saturday, and posting really awesome Halloween pictures (since it is one of the best times for ridiculously awesome pictures) but I don't have any... Here is how my Halloween went down. Woke up around 10am in Kansas City MO went to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel, drove to Fort Riley KS, cleaned Kasey's room and had some pizza for dinner with Fackrell and Scronce, watched Ghost Hunters while Kasey took a nap, waited very impatiently for 12am so Kasey could get released, spent an hour watching Kasey do paperwork and then at 1am on November 1st we got in the car and started our 15 hour long drive to come home!! Kasey did most of the driving but I did help out a little! I'm so glad to have him home for a couple of weeks! I wish he could stay forever but instead Uncle Sam will be stealing him back on the 14th :( hope you all have a MUCH more eventful October 31st than me!

Wedding Dress for SALE!!!

For those of your that don't know me, I was engaged once a long time ago... ok so maybe it wasn't so long ago. Well the time has come and I'm selling my BEAUTIFUL wedding dress and head piece. It was only worn once for bridal pictures. If you or anyone you know is interested please contact me!!! Its a size 10 temple ready gown, faux button up back with zipper, flattering square neck line, short sleeves, full train with button up bussel, tulle overlay, beautiful bead work all the way to the train, and a stunning A line style!! Asking price is $400.00 or best offer, this price includes the head piece in the photo below ($85 value) if you want more info or would like to try it on please email me at photobyashlee@yahoo.com

Better than me

Kasey is SO much better than I am! I have major trust issues, and its not his fault.. its just been the last 10 years of mine. It really stems back to high school, I was 'so in love' with the guy I was dating and everyone really thought we would get married. He even gave me a 'promise ring' and we were perfect. That is until we were in the parking lot going into a high school dance, I was all dolled up and he was looking pretty good if I remember correctly. I was about to open my door and he grabbed my hand and said "I don't think this is working out" I couldn't breath I couldn't believe what he had just said so of course I asked for clarification "what do you mean?" and with his emotionless face I will never forget the next words that came out of his mouth.

"I can't date you... What if something better comes along?"

those words have ruined every relationship I have been in since! I don't blame him, he was just a young stupid high school boy that didn't know better and even though we've stayed friends and he's told me that was the biggest mistake of his life, I've always known that I was just the filler for anyone that I've dated while they were waiting to find something better. It doesn't help that my only two serious bf's after that both cheated on me and then left for their 'something better'

Kasey deserves the very best because that's what he is! He is the most amazing person. I am trying SO hard to forget my past and move on, and even more so today! I hardly ever fight with Kasey, lol its kind of hard to fight with someone you never see :) but yesterday I was super depressed for who knows what reason, and I just wanted to talk to him on skype but he had his friends in his room so he said get on yahoo (at this moment my mind FREAKS) I didn't want to talk to him on yahoo, wasn't that the point of him coming home was now we had real ways to talk, like skype and the cell? My mind started going crazy asking why would he only want to talk to me on yahoo?? Is there someone in the room he doesn't want me to see? He has been acting 'busy' all day... I wonder who he is really with and what he is really doing? I've been told it all 'i love you why would you think I'm cheating on you' and 'I'm just hanging out with the guys' and 'your acting crazy' or even 'I'm busy working i can't talk to you right now' and its all been lies because they were with 'her' So I being the crazy emotional mess of a person I am, I say something about it (even though I'm 99.9% sure that its all just being made up in my head) then the arguments began... and I totally agree with him (today) He has NEVER given me a reason to doubt his honestly or faithfulness and we have been though ALOT of crap together! Its funny how much you can go through with someone when they are 7000 miles away! I think he said it best when he pointed out that 'shit happens' I just need to realize that he is different. Kasey is like a fairytale I never thought I would have. He says the things you only hear in movies and he treats me like the most important thing in the world, I guess to him... I am. Which I still have a hard time with, because of other things that have happened in my life (which are still to personal to blog to the world about) When I saw him in KS for the first time in 7 months I was shaking I was so excited! I was talking to Annie and she was telling me how cute we are together and how sweet he is on me (lol totally a 50's phrase) and I asked her why and she said because the second he saw me his face light up and he started walking as fast as he could to get to me. Which I was oblivious to at the time because I was so excited to see him all i could worry about was trying not to cry or pass out! I love that he gets SUPER angry when I wont kiss him in public because he 'doesn't care who sees it, he wants everyone in the world to know he loves me' I love how he stares at me in the car because he 'thinks I'm so pretty' (I keep telling him I'm taking him to the eye doctor for that!) and I absolutely LOVE when he puts his hand on my cheek and then moves it back to my neck and then pulls me in for a kiss... and the way he rolls his eyes at me every time I have to stop in the baby clothes section of any store because the clothes are just to freaking cute to not look at! Anyways... I just keep praying that he never realizes how much better he is than me and how he deserves so much more than me and moves on to his 'something better'

Day One... plus my life

So yesterday was the first day of my 'starvation' if you will :) I didn't find myself wanting to eat because I was hungry, more because everyone else around me was eating! We had a meeting first thing in the morning and all my co-workers were chowing down on candy the whole time and kept asking if I wanted some, not only did I decline because I had to but also because it was 9:30am and I didn't really want any, but at that moment I realized that I am a social eater. I probably have gained 30+ lbs simple from eating just because everyone else is eating! The only other thing I had a hard time with yesterday was being cold and REALLY wanting some hot cocoa, and it was my nephews birthday so I sang and then watched everyone else chow down on cake lol. I guess there are worse things in life right? I was extremely excited when I got on the scale today and I had lost 2.4 lbs!! That was enough motivation to get me through today (so far) I figure at this rate I should be around 20-30lbs lighter by the end of the month, which is absolutely insane! I'm going for the 30 that way if I gain a few back I wont be AS sad about it! This 2 liters of water a day is also a struggle, not so much the drinking it part, but the having to go pee every 20 mins super sucks! My boss probably thinks I'm crazy! I didn't tell anyone at work partly because they are all boys and partly because I'm still the new girl and I don't know them very well so its kind of out of place for me to announce that I will be on a VERY strict diet for the next month. Good thing I'll be driving for 15 hours on Halloween and wont be sitting there munching on candy waiting for trick or treaters :) Speaking of that drive I think that is the only thing that keeps me going these days, is the count down until I see Kasey again. I never knew it could be like this. Its so awful! I thought I would be just fine, but honestly I feel bad for any one that has to be around me! I snap at everything and I just want to sit around and not do anything. I find myself thinking what is the point of doing anything if he's not doing it with me? I think that's a good and bad thing! Good that I'm that in love with him that I just want to be with him all of the time but bad because he is almost becoming my addiction. I'm hoping that I'm only addicted because I hardly get to see him. I guess its like chocolate ice cream... I ALWAYS want chocolate ice cream but I hardly ever actually go and get it, so for weeks I'll be craving it and then as soon as its gone I start wanting it again because I know I wont actually get more for a month or so, and if someone asks me if I want vanilla I say no because I don't want to waste my ice cream joys on plain ol vanilla... WOW I can't believe I just compared my bf to ice cream lol... Things are going good though, I'm excited about losing weight, I'm counting down the days until this diet is over so that I can really work out again, and in 15 days I will be getting on a tiny little plane flying to KS to see Kasey, and this time not for 2 days but for 2 weeks!!! I can't hardly wait! He really is the best thing that's happened to me in a REALLY long time and I am so lucky to have someone that loves me so much and treats me so well! AND to top it all off he still puts up with all my crap! He is still going to heaven for that, I don't think I've met anyone so patient in my life!

When I grow up...

I always wanted to be a writer... I've just never been that good :) I figure it's just like anything else right? You just need to practice to become better! So I'm going to join an Article Directory and start writting! Maybe then I'll update my blog more too!!

I am a follower...

Do you ever look at a picture that someone took of you and think "when the hell did that happen?" I've been feeling that way for some time now! When I'm not looking in the mirror or at a recent picture of myself I feel pretty, I think I am pretty but... I also think I still look like I did 5 years ago, back before I put on 50lbs. Now I'm not one of those typical girls that is afraid to say my weight... I am 185lbs. I got on the scale yesterday morning... the morning that I started my 'diet' if you can call it that. I have never been one to 'follow the crowd' so to say, but a few weeks ago I decided that I was SO sick of the way I feel when I look at a picture of myself that I didn't care what I had to do I was getting rid of this extra FAT and I was going to do it fast! I for the first time in my life have become a follower of a 'fad' if you will. I am doing the HCG diet. Not those awful shots though, I'm doing HCG drops, they are the same thing though, I just wont look like I shoot up in my free time! I have a feeling this will be the hardest next few weeks of my life! Not so much because I have an over eating problem and now I'll hardly be eating anything, I think more because I eat out of habit, so having to pay attention to WHEN I'm eating for the first time in my life is going to be a little tricky! If I could change just one thing in my life, it would be that I would have never quit dancing. I used to be so active all the time that I could eat whatever and whenever I wanted and never gain an ounce let alone a whole pound! But when I went to collage I dropped down to 2 dance classes and after a few semesters I wasn't even taking those and BOOM between no physical activity in my life and my wedding getting called off and me being a comfort eater... well I don't think I need to tell you what happened, I mean if you've seen me then you know!! Now I know I'm not 700lbs or anything but most of the time I feel that way, I HATE getting my picture taken because when I see the image I hardly even know who the person in the picture is and I'm embarrassed and I want to lock myself away and just cry and never eat again. Instead I do the opposite, I call a friend and go to lunch or dinner or out for ice cream. Five years ago I was a wearing a very baggy size 3 juniors pant and today I have to jump into a woman's 10/12 and pray they stretch out before I get to work! So its not so much that I'm SO HUGE its just that what I'm used to being and what I think I am... well compared to that I am HUGE. I don't want to be a size 3 I would look sickly but I wouldn't mind being a size 6 and I am sick of telling everyone I'm going to do it and then losing 5-10lbs and stopping and then gaining it back! And I am going to start bringing my gym bag with me to work so I can go straight to the gym everyday for an hour and work out! I don't want to be a skin saggin skinny person, I want to be a toned person, like the person I used to be! I want my 4 pack abs back and I want to walk down the street and turn heads again. I know that sounds so shallow but I just want to feel pretty again and not hate the way I look, and tell my friends I'm busy or I don't feel good when really I just don't want to go out in public because of the way I look.

Anyways... So tomorrow by this time I might be a little hungry but in 2 weeks when I get back on that scale and it says 170 I wont even be able to remember that I was hungry! And first things first, as soon as I drop this extra 40-50lbs I'm getting a BRAND NEW drivers licence picture taken :) Wish me luck!! I'm going to need it!

HE'S HOME!!!!

Ok yes I know that I am WAAAAY behind on blogging!! Funny thing is that I have the time and sometimes at work I think 'hmm what should I do for the next 20 mins' and yet I never remember to blog... SORRY! Anyways 2 things real fast,

First: KASEY IS HOME FROM IRAQ!!!! I love him so much and I am so glad to have him in the same country even though he is stationed out at Ft Riley until May :( but he is amazing and it was SO good to see him even if it was only for a few hours before I had to come home!

Second: how wonderful is by boyfriend?? So wonderful that he is driving right now as we speak.. (ok well as I type) and will be here in 2 hours!!! He is coming home for the weekend for my birthday!!! Yes today is by bday and its never been a huge deal to me but I would have to say that I am getting the BEST gift this year! Kasey is home from Iraq and coming to spend the weekend with me! What could be better?? I don't think anything :)

PS- I promise next week to update you on every detail of my life (well not really EVERY detail) but enough that you'll feel like we have known each other forever and we are best friends lol. Until then everyone have a FABULOUS weekend, I know I will!!!